When and Why Did I Cease Being a Bitch?

It has recently come to my attention that I am too "nice."

When the fuck did this happen?

OK, I'll admit, every so often, the Southern hospitality that was beaten into me comes back to haunt me. But who in the hell wants to be the "nice" girl? What did the nice girl ever get? I see a future ahead of me that includes tacky ass bridesmaid dresses, and I'm not going there.

So, in the spirit of the many years of overpriced therapy I've received, I think it's time for my bitch list. Similar to those lists of reasons not to kill yourself/keep trying to reach your goals/whatever else you want to piss and moan about.

The Bitch List.

1. People who presume I will automatically drive them somewhere, babysit their kids for free, or just entertain you when you are bored. I am not a court jester and you are not Henry VIII. If you were, and therefore could actually imprison me for failure to do so, I would humbly beseech Your Highness to cut off my bloody head. Fuck you, I hate you.

2. Service employees who bitch about customers in front of me. Yeah, when I am the customer. Do you hear me bitching about you when you're in my territory? Hell, no. So, since you are too lazy, stupid, or have too long a criminal record to get a job that does not include customers or minimum wage, shut the fuck up and learn to brew my damn latte faster. Fuck you, I hate you.

3. People who think that my years of therapy qualifies me to listen and offer advice on their problems. You dumb bastards. Therapy was supposed to teach me to let go of craptastic relationships like the one you and I have. Apparently, I need another dose of $360 a session. Especially since when I give it, you won't listen because I AM NOT QUALIFIED. Stop asking, stop being a dumbfuck. Fuck you, I hate you.

4. People who won't hire me. Obviously, holding back all this bitchiness doesn't make me a more desirable candidate. So how about I show up for the interview shit-faced with vomit in my hair? No? Then why did you hire the girl who showed me in? Fuck you, I hate you.

5. People who talk about their online, one-year degrees like they just got their doctorate. Yes, you should feel proud. You should not feel that you are suddenly entitled to lord it over us. I went to school longer than you. No, I do not have a degree, because I wanted a REAL one. Maybe when you're filling out fields for H & R Block every spring, you won't act quite so pompous. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for bettering yourself. I'm talking about those dipshits who just want to feel superior. If you're pressed for the time and money, then do these programs. If you're just lazy, well, then, no piece of paper is ever going to help you. Fuck you, I hate you.

6. Teenagers. I despise teenagers. Hell, I hated myself when I was a teenager. Now I realize what smug, smart-alecked, rude little bastards we were. But hey, at least I respected my elders (unless they didn't deserve it) and customers. Guess what? I get that you're just at this crappy minimum wage summer job to pay for your car/cell phone/clothes/whatever. But when I am taking money away from bills, savings, or so forth to spend it at your establishment. I WILL NOT HESITATE to do my damnedest to get your obnoxious ass fired when you curse at me or cop one of your hormone-driven hissy fits. I do not care that Daddy wouldn't buy you a car and made you work for it. He's trying to teach you VALUES and I am happy to help. So smile, be polite, and I will be too. In fact, many times I'll remember the hell that is a summer job and leave you a ridiculous tip because I know that it will probably be the highlight of that miserable work experience. But do not think I won't take down a snotty little shit without an ounce of remorse. Fuck you, I hate you.

7. Nancy Grace. You sensationalistic, yellow journalistic cunt. I should respect you, after all, you make no qualms about being a bitch. But you're not a bitch, Nancy, you. are. a. CUNT. You are not judge and jury, so stop alluding to the guilt of every significant other of a missing woman. Sure, men are sometimes scum, but they're not all O.J. Get over it already. I could have dealt with that, seeing as you're just following the thought pattern of any middle-aged disillusioned woman who didn't go as far as she once thought. But then, you get Elizabeth Smart on the show. Now, it was obvious that she was not there to talk about her own experience. She deserves mad props for getting in the public eye to speak for missing children. I guess when you're a spotlight whore, you don't realize that it may be a little bright for someone who came to the public's attention for being abdubted by a psychotic fanatical pervert and his equally so wife. Smart handed your ass to you for it, too, and your nasty little, "Well, I'm sorry, Elizabeth, I just thought you'd like to share your experiences with other victims but I guess I was wrong," was too fucking far. You could give a flying fuck about victims. You want your ratings to go up to feed your own gluttonous vanity (which, by the way, isn't the only thing that's gluttonous). Smart showed amazing strength and character, which maybe you should learn from. Fuck you, Nancy Grace, I hate you.

8. Companies who outsource. If a presidential candidate steps up and says they're going to tax the hell out of these bastards, I will vote for them IMMEDIATELY and I may even get a lil bumper sticker. If Americans buy, use, sell, and believe in your product, then don't make us speak to someone in India when it fucks up. Oh, and when I get on the phone and immediately say it's plugged up and been restarted, they SHOULD NOT ASK ME ANYWAY. Yet, they always do. You want to know why? BECAUSE ENGLISH IS NOT THEIR FIRST FUCKING LANGUAGE. They don't know slang or jargon, and no offense, but sometimes, it's like trying to explain the problem to an eight year old. Except an eight year old from an English-speaking country has spoken the language longer. Why don't you just bring back child labor? It would be less of a hassle. The ineptitude is not even my biggest problem. It's taking jobs away from Americans when it's an American product. Fuck you, I hate you.

9. VH1. Flavor of Love. Rock of Love. I Love New York. A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. Flavor of Love Girls Charm School. Damn. Admittedly, the worst of the bunch comes from the male-centric shows, but Tila had her fair share of disgusting displays. Bret Michaels shows that he can still be a drunkien manwhore despite his middle age status. It's probably not that difficult considering he's surrounded by a horde of bleached, implanted, fake-and-bake skanks. But the Flavor of Love girls are something else. Maybe it's because they'll rip your hair out, maybe it's because it's over Flavor Flav. Either way, the gag reflex kicks in every time. That show has set women back not years, but centuries. I'm surprised none of them have been burned at the stake yet. In any case, the trashiest of the trash is embodied in New York (with honorable mention to the psycho schizoid from Rock of Love 1). New York, or Tiffany, is the epitome of everything a woman should. not. be. I'm willing to chalk it up to metal imbalance but only if someone puts her in a straightjacket. So thank you, New York, for singlehandedly fulfilling EVERY negative stereotype ever thought about a woman. Congratulations, you make woman hate being women. Fuck you, New York, I hate you. Oh, and Flave, Bret, Tila, and those who comprise your reality harems, I hate you too.



So there you have it, my current bitch list. It is frequently added to and rarely is something taken away. Guess what? I'm pissed off. You may deal with it, or you may join in. In fact, I love it when someone can out-bitch me.