Oooh... Those Osmonds is slick folk....

OK, so literally just this moment, I look over to the television, where "Dancing With the Stars" is on. I'm not really a fan of the show, but I'll watch a few minutes of it here and there. I just don't have the patience to sit through the same dance again and again. I'd rather just look up the interesting ones (and the falls a la Heather Mills) on YouTube later.

But now, I suddenly realized why people watch NASCAR. It's for that rare chance you'll see somebody hurt themselves, look like an idiot, or a combination of both, live and on national television.

So I'm watching Marie and her partner doing a really stiff and boring samba. I'm confused, because I've heard that Marie Osmond's so great, and so on and so forth. Personally, I think the woman is as creepy as those little evil dolls she hocks on QVC. Anyway, they finish up the dance and face the dances. The old guy (no clue what his name is) starts critiquing their performance, not unkindly, but it's obvious he's not impressed. Then, it happens. Marie Osmond keels over like one of the few remaining trees in the Amazon Rainforest.

Her partner looks shocked and leans down over her, while the host (whoever) is obviously completely useless. He cuts to commercial less than gracefully. When the show comes back, Marie's backstage and perky as ever. And boy, when I say perky, I mean she's like that cheerleader who needed to have a pompom shoved down her throat. "Sleeping Beauty" quickly explains that when she gets out of breath or winded, she sometimes faints. However she's okey dokey hunky dorey now!

I have only one thing to say. WHORE!

The dance sucked, and she couldn't have been "winded" through the whole thing. I think she got wind that this week, the judges weren't going to be quite so in puppy love with her, and she pulled a fast one. Say what you want, but I'm not buying it. Especially since that crap-ass performance was rewarded with straight 7's. That dance wasn't a 7 for anyone. It was a seven for a panel of judges who realized that the dance was crap, but that they would A: Catch hell for scoring a woman who "fainted" as she deserved, and B: Catch hell for scoring a really bad dance too many pity points. Perfect pity point number? 7! And the two of them weren't even happy with that!

I seriously have a visual image of them in rehearsal:

Partner Guy: Listen, Marie, you really suck. You're going to have to pull something to get some pity points so we can get through this week and to another dance. Osmonds just can't do sexy.

Marie: Yeah, I know. What about falling?

PG: No, that kinda bit Heather Mills in the ass.

Marie: It worked for Jennie Garth!

PG: Jennie Garth is hot.

Marie: Oh, fine, I'll faint then.

Seriously, were we really supposed to buy that? Because I actually did, until I saw how perfect she was backstage. She wasn't even flushed.

Or it could just be that I think that Osmonds are evil. My mother still hasn't fully recovered from their influence so many years ago.

DAMN YOU OSMONDS! DAMN YOU!!!!