We all know how annoying telemarketers are, right? Well, how much more annoying are they when you can't understand a SINGLE WORD THEY'RE SAYING? Pretty heinous, right? I've actually had a few instances where a telemarketer based in the good ole U.S. of A. called and I told them that they were still evil and I hated them, but I was wholeheartedly glad they were American.
We as a family have utilized multiple means of dealing with telemarketers. The "I no speaka," is one often abused. My mother is an inventor of telemarketer tortures. Her favorites include telling the telemarketer, "Sure, hold on," and then sitting the phone down. She returns every few minutes to say, "Hold on, she/he's coming," and this can go on for HOURS. My favorite practice (of her design, of course), is the blitz. The blitz is our family practice of blowing a whistle or setting off the smoke detector into the mouthpiece of the phone. It works better than the Do Not Call list!
Today, however, my mother and aunt in tandem surpassed even my greatest ideas. I'm actually going to give you a play-by-play, with dialougue. Because it's too funny not to.
RING RING, RING RING!
MOTHER: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hello, ma'am, I'm calling to offer you a free Sprint PCS phone.
MOTHER: Free? Sure! I'll take it if it's totally free. As in, I pay nothing.
TELEMARKETER: Well, ma'am, it would cost only $39.95 per month for service...
MOTHER: No, I want my free phone. You told me it'd be free. I'm not paying every month for a damn phone. Not forty bucks. The one I'm talking on cost me ten!
TELEMARKETER: Well, ma'am, the free phone is conditional on....
AUNT (Using a deep, gruff voice): Who is this? Woman, who's on the phone with you?
TELEMARKETER: (I don't know, just starts his pitch over)
AUNT: What the hell you doin' talkin' to mah wife? Is this the guy who I caught her with?
MOM: No, baby! He wants to give us a free Sprint phone!
TELEMARKETER: (recites pitch again.)
AUNT: Who's this? Who is this? Boy, I'll meet you right now!
TELEMARKETER: (at this point, he's obviously at a loss. He just recites his pitch through the rest of the conversation)
MOM: No, honey, I swear! He ain't doin' nothin' but tryin' to give us a phone!
AUNT: That's what you said last week! Is this guy the baby's daddy? Huh? He ain't mine, is he?
MOM: No, I swear Junior's yours! You're the baby's daddy!
AUNT: Yeah, uh huh, I'll just bet! You been foolin' around on me?
TELEMARKETER: OK, you have good day. Good-bye.
AUNT AND MOTHER: Laughing hysterically.
Okay, so maybe they lost 10 minutes out of their lives. But hey, they just traumatized yet another outsourced telemarketer.
So....
Arguing about the true definition of "free": 3 minutes
Getting your sister to act like your pissed-off redneck husband: 11 minutes
Scaring the hell out of a foreign phone whore: priceless.
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