The Osmonds Rant

Yeah. I'm going off on the Osmonds. Again. Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING EVIL!

Seriously. I think that the Osmond siblings merge together into one entity. The Antichrist. There's something sickeningly perfect about these people, isn't there? So perfect and wholesome, so adorable and lovable. And yet, we still haven't heard whether they're inbred or perverts or anything. Trust me, any family THAT perfect is hiding something deep, dark, and probably nasty.

But for now, let's just discuss why they're evil. We're going to leave the whole Mormon thing out if, plain and simple. Why did I mention inbreeding? Well, I'm sure this will piss some of you off, but I don't rightly give a flying fuck, so here goes. There are nine of these bastards. Two are deaf. One has multiple sclerosis. One had a brain tumor. One had a kid who was deaf. Two suffer from mental illness. Seriously, that sounds like some screwed up DNA to me. Oh, and they breed like it's going out of style. Oprah put the whole clan on her show, weren't there around 120?

Easily, their evil is epitomized in the brother-sister duo of Donny and Marie. Donny's a man who's probably pervy and is a walking mid-life crisis. Since his teens. One thing I remember clearly about Donny is his appearance on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" way back in the day. Rosie loved her some Donny (and look what's happened to her now). Donny called her chubby. When Rosie expressed her upset. Donny returned to the set dressed in a dog costume to sing "Puppy Love." She forgave him. Considering he just became her bitch (and dressed the part, too!), I doubt she had any choice.

And Marie. Oh, dear God, Marie. This woman is like the perky cheerleader... from HELL. Nobody can be that annoyingly cheerful all the damn time. Oh, and let's not forget her dolls. I can't explain to you the trauma one feels when flipping past QVC and accidentally get a glimpse of one. They are the creepiest fucking dolls ever. The have big evil eyes and a sick look on their faces. They look like something out of an X-file. I would not be shocked if a Marie Osmond doll tried to kill me in my sleep.

Oh, and eight kids? WHAT THE HELL is wrong with you? Afraid you'd run out or something? Marie can currently be found on a celebrity dancing show, where she'll fake a fainting spell to keep from losing. Go ahead and watch, any day now, she may give birth on the dance floor. I'm betting the little bastard will have red glowy eyes or something.