How to Be Rid of Mormons/Jehovah's Witnesses

So, in the spirit of my last post, I give to you my means of getting rid of religious hawkers at your door. In such a way that they almost never come back. We all have those moments where, in the middle of the day, a couple of Mormons on bicycles or little old lady Jehovah's Witnesses show up to your door and want to share with you the love of Jesus Christ. Okay, I have no problem with them, but quite frankly, I'm not buying. My family is Southern Fundamentalist Protestant Crazy Folk (I go to a Baptist Church. Actually, I enjoy it in comparison). Needless to say, when you get down to the basics, they're going to look at you the same way an average person looks at a Scientologist.

Extra Tip: How to Be Rid of a Scientologist: "I'm hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. I can't even get a credit card. Can you people help me find my way again?"

Okay, back on topic, with apologies to Cruise, Travolta, & Company (I'm sorry you're crazy, and I named a dead possum on the side of the rode Xenu). I've developed a surefire method of getting rid of our religious friends. While I realize what I'm about to say will offend our pagan friends, oh well, deal with it. If they're that closed-minded, admit it, you'd freak them out too. That's right.

We tell them we're witches.

But we don't stop there, oh no. You see, I delved into the wiccan religion in high school. I still remember the terminology. So, when I start mentioning spells, circles, Winter Solstice, Eostre, et cetera, they get nervous. Usually by this point, they're just trying to find a way off our lawn. My mother once put a sign on her door stating that the coven would meet an hour later, when she saw the Witnesses coming up the street. They didn't knock.

A few "Blessed Bes" are often all it takes to have these people praying quietly to themselves. Once, a pair of Mormons seperated and one talked to my mother as the other talked to me, as I was on the other side of the yard. Funnily enough, we both launched immediately into our Goddess-inspired lines. You know how Mormons on bikes get in front of your car and they're slow as all hell? These two looked like they were training for the Tour de France once they got away from us.

In times of desperation, I suggest invoking the Horned God. To Wiccans, this is a good guy, the male incarnation of the Spirit. No baddy or anything. To Christian-based faiths, they immediately think it's the devil. Boy, can they run when they want to! So, as a little treat, I'll give you a sample dialougue. It's been awhile since I've seen one of these folk (see? my method is effective), so I can't give you any direct quotes.

From this point on, the Mormon and/or Jehovah's Witnesses will be referred to as MJW.

MJW: Hi! I'm here today to tell you all about the love of yadda yadda yadda....

ME: Oh, how wonderful! I'd love to tell you about the love of the goddess as well!

MJW: What?

ME: Oh, I'm a witch. Witch, Wiccan, whatever you prefer. In fact, our coven is going to convene shortly in order to call down the moon. Would you care to join us?

MJW: (Usually, at this point, they mumble an excuse and leave. I'll proceed for your more stubborn cases).

MJW: Oh, no. I just wanted to spread the word of yadda yadda yadda...

ME: Oh, I know of that. We call Him the great horned god.

MJW: (At this point, you'll get one of two reactions. One, they leave, by making an excuse or just running like hell. Two, they start lecturing you on how hot hell is. If they do the latter, at that point, you are able to slam the door in their face for their rudeness).

Every so often, you'll have a persistant one determined to save you from yourself. Here's what you do:

1. Mix some sort of concoction in a bowl (leaves, spices, whatever).
2. Burn it.
3. Use your hand to waft the smoke over them while chanting a faux spell.
4. Tell them you've just asked the god and goddess to be with them, and to help them find a deeper understanding. Tell them whatever you want, actually. Once they've got dirty pagan smoke on them, they'll want nothing more than to get away and wash it off. Keep doing this any time they come up, they will give up rather than fact having a spell put on them or something.

Enjoy the tips and give your doorbell a break!