As I doubt anyone is aware, I am currently trapped on a deserted island. OK, well, West Virginia, but close enough. I'm sure there are many redeemable people who call this little Alleghany patch home. I haven't met one.
So, for my own entertainment, I present to you (in the Redneck style):
YOU MIGHT BE IN WEST VIRGINIA IF....
...if your status in the community is directly related to the size of your trailer.
...if you have more than one horse but your home is on wheels.
...if you've ever slid your teeth out and wiggled them at a child.
...if you know someone who's ever had ANY sort of sexual relationship with an animal.
...if your local mall contains an Ames or a Roses. Or both.
...if you bought the crappy truck that breaks down constantly over the car in good condition.
...if you have a bumper sticker or car emblem promoting Christian or Republican values. Or both.
...if you know a 12-year-old who's pregnant or has a kid already.
...if you know anyone with 3 or more kids in high school.
...if your local welfare office has a banner stating: "ESTABLISH PATERNITY! Be a hero in your child's eyes!
...if you see an inebriated 10-year-old.
...if you meet someone who tells you how much their toddler likes beer.
...if your power tools are worth more than your home. And your cars. Combined.
...if your home has no running water or electricity, but you have a riding lawnmower.
...if you have ever gotten ringworm, lice, or fleas while engaging in a sexual act.
...if your gasoline has been stolen by someone who can't drive.
...if you've eaten at a restaurant that used to be a gas station.
...you've ever gone to a doctor's office that was a trailer or warehouse.
...if there is a tanning booth at a gas station.
...if you've ever been on the road with a psycho going 100mph as well as someone going 30mph UNDER the speed limit. Simultaneously.
...If you've ever heard from a guy hitting on you, "Are those your real teeth?"
...if you've ever shimmied up a telephone pole to get cable, then gotten pissed at the cops who came to arrest you because your kids want to watch TV and what the hell are you going to do with the little bastards if you can't stick them in front of the damn cartoons?
...if you see a group of 6 kids all varying in ethnicity and they're siblings.
...if your kids' yearbook includes photos of students' best hunting trophies for the year.
...if you know someone for whom Tweety Bird figures prominantly into their wardrobe.
Oh, and I understand that these don't apply to all people or areas of West Virginia. But seriously, if you're that offended, then maybe some of it hits just a little too close to home.
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